• Cameron and Clegg: El afortunado y El desafortunado.

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    Today, Sunday 8th May, 2011 is the 66th anniversary of “Victory in Europe” Day, the day that signalled the defeat of Nazism. It was a day of great celebration as the British People looked forward to a new future.


    Let us however analyse those recent election results:

    The Quisling Cameron, masquerading as the head of government of a sovereign state – British Gazette readers knowing full well just what a monstrous deception this is – must be feeling pretty happy with himself. You see Mr Cameron has two very special helpers. They are his sidekick, the unfortunate Mr Clegg – who must now surely have earned the sobriquet, “El desafortunado” (the unfortunate one) and Mr Alex Salmond. He was also ably assisted by Mr Ed. Miliband whose desultory performance in failing to sell the AV system to the British People shows that as a salesman Mr Ed Miliband is not a success. In fact, based on his performance, he would probably have difficulty in selling anti Bin Laden tee-shirts in Times Square (in New York).

    El desafortunado has literally become Mr Cameron’s whipping boy. British Gazette readers will know of course what a whipping boy was: when in “days of old” a young Prince or a son of a noble was being educated, the tutors were not allowed to beat him. Beatings – and Cameron (who must now have earned the sobriquet “El afortunado” or the fortunate one) as an old Etonian will have much knowledge of these – were of course about the only method of control these tutors knew about. Since they were not allowed to beat the young prince/noble’s son, another boy – the whipping boy – was educated alongside him. When the young prince misbehaved the whipping boy was duly punished. One might think that the relationship between the two boys was a discordant one but in fact many “whipping boys” became devoted to their princely/noble principal and these feelings were reciprocated.

    The parallels you will admit are remarkable: Cameron and the Tories actual made net gains, whilst El desafortunado and the Lib-Dems suffered huge losses. Of course the reason was that the Lib-Dem’s electorate were a left leaning bunch who were essentially anti-Tory and who went with Labour (England & Wales) and the SNP (Scotland).

    Of course the important political developments were the defeat of AV and the victory of the SNP.

    Let us be frank: AV is not a particularly good electoral system. Its introduction however would as described in our earlier article of the 2nd May, have caused many voters to vote UKIP as their first preference and Tory as the second. This of course was why Mr Farage wanted it and why the British Gazette endorsed his calls.

    The far more significant development has been a majority SNP administration north of the border.

    The canny Mr Salmond – El feliz? (“the happy one”) – has already indicated that the referendum will not be held for a couple of years. One can be sure that this able politician will pick the time he regards as the most propitious. He will of course receive much help from Mr Cameron, who has already signalled that he will campaign in Scotland against independence. This of course will be hugely counter-productive. If Mr Cameron really wanted to keep Scotland tied to the union he would of course do nothing and say nothing and leave the campaign in the able and capable hands of Annabel Goldie. But then of course that would not do at all as Mr Cameron has a Baldrickesque “cunning plan.” It is this: He Cameron (notwithstanding his Scottish surname) and other very English politicians campaign in Scotland for the Scots to stay within the union. This of course will have precisely the opposite effect and encourage the Scots to vote for independence. This of course will remove the largest regional source of potential Labour Westminster seats and thus help Cameron win the next General Election.

    The Tories will also introduce two other reforms which will make retention of power (for the Tories) easier. One is to redraw the electoral boundaries so all seats are the same size (in population terms) – it is widely acknowledged that this will impact negatively on the Labour vote. The other is to answer the West Lothian question – and this will probably have to be termed the Cardiff question following Scottish independence – the removal of voting rights of Welsh MPs over English affairs. This will mean that the Labour bastion of Wales will have difficulty in providing a Labour leader with a working majority in the Commons.

    Of course there is one large cloud on the horizon. The EU’s Large Combustion Plant directive that will require the closing of coal fired power stations. The British Gazette now anticipates that the EU Commission will allow the British Government a special extension – possibly up to 10 years – to allow the government to put replacements in place. Of course to get this Cameron will have to prostrate himself before the EU Commissioners and grovel. They will of course demand his absolute obedience for there on in but with facing the political oblivion that would follow enforced power cuts he will accept all the Commission’s terms.

    • As from 30th June 2011, I, Clown Zozo of Ilkeston, Derbyshire, will be replacing the ridiculous little squirt, Von Grumpay, as President of the EU.

      I will instruct interpol to conduct a criminal investigation into the embezzlement of billions of Euros, and freeze all payments to the EU by all member countries until the matter is resolved.

      Here in the UK the cost of supporting visiting EU citizens, and criminals banned from repatriation, will be deducted from the UK’s annual payments. Terrorists and foreign national criminals will be dispatched immediately to Brussels, along with our stupid judges.

      Clown Zozo, the professional clown, President of the EU, in waiting.

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