• Is nothing is sacred? Quango announces plans to monitor bodily functions.


    Above, Baroness Whitewash. Exactly one year to the day after the UK’s Health Protection Agency rebranded to “Public Health England”, the agency has announced it is to change its name again – to Public Health UK, or “PHUK”.

    Amid raised eyebrows from government insiders – who have labelled the £500mn marketing initiative as “PR Gaff of the Year” – senior PHUKers firmly rejected claims that the new name would further call Britain’s public health policy into question.

    Speaking from her isolated second-home in Anglesey, Baroness Whitewash, the Parliamentary Undersecretary for PHUK, said that the move was “justified”.

    “PHUK’s former focus on England fell short of our core aim – which is to leave no part of the UK unaffected by PHUK public health policy. If we do not incorporate all stripes of the flag, we leave our policies open to unfavourable cross-referencing by independent, non-industry epidemiologists – and that could undermine confidence in PHUK public health competence and policy.”

    The rebrand is being announced alongside a string of other new measures which, combined, PHUK hopes will help to ensure that the health of everyone in the UK is placed firmly in its cross-hairs.

    One new initiative, called “PHUK You”, is being introduce as part of David Cameron’s drive to introduce an “Internet of Things” that will not just place everyday objects, products and services online, but will also finally connect people directly to the web through the introduction of telemedicine and human microchipping – an intergenerational, trans-millennial aim.

    “The BBC, Channel 5, Hollywood and now schools are doing a first-rate job of readying the population for dial-in (and dial-down) facilities to the human body through invasive RFID-chip technology. We want to seize that momentum, to ensure that we can track people in realtime – all of the time – to help them as they gradually become more ill. It’s a social-engineering, nudge-policy triumph.”

    Citing examples of use cases for this biblically-significant demotion of humankind into cattle-class, the Baroness discussed smart pills which “have the capability to relay information about a subject’s heart rate, body position, temperature and time of pill ingestion” adding that, “this kind of invasive data can be compared with, say, information held by the DWP [Department for Work and Pensions] to determine whether patients should continue to receive welfare cheques – if you stop taking your meds, we can automatically terminate your benefits… or you!”

    If the programme is successful, Whitewash said that it would be extended to all households, including adults and children – under the title of “PHUK You & Your Family”.

    Campaign group Stop Smart Meters! (UK), a fierce critic of what it calls PHUK’s “ante-delluvian policy on wireless radiation”, said recently that if the rumours of a costly rebrand are indeed true, then it serves as further evidence that healthcare policy in the UK is headed down the wrong path:

    “We cannot understand how a further £500mn can be raided from taxpayers’ already empty pockets, just to reprint PHUK letterheads and personalised Christmas cards. But we concede that the new name is a more honest representation of their remit in relation to public health – especially given their on-going use of wireless radiation standards that were set by a private industry group and voted “out of date” and “obsolete” in a European Parliamentary motion more than five years ago. Most people have no idea that wireless radiation absorbed by the brain from a single mobile phone in the UK can eclipse natural background microwave radiation by 900 quadrillion times – or even more if you are a child. If something doesn’t change on that front soon, then you could say we’re all going to be PHUKed”.

    A second programme being sponsored by PHUK seeks to piggy-back on plans by Google and Facebook to finally realise the nightmare reality of “SkyNet” – with their respective initiatives to float and fly WiFi hubs using helium balloons and solar-power drones across remote regions of the planet to deliver 100% wireless internet connectivity.

    “As we see different versions of SkyNet emerging, seemingly being readied independently by two of the world’s biggest, predatory corporations, PHUK is planning to assess potential health impacts in a similar vein to the way we are doing for the Smart Meter programme – and that’s by assessing health risks only after the technology has been rolled-out” explained Whitewash. “It’s part of our Flying PHUK programme – that will also see the launch of telemedicine UAVs to can monitor people’s increasingly arrhythmic heart palpitations from the air”.

    Rumours about the creation of a new Department for Industry, Climate Change & Skills were denied.

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