• Choose your poison: Messrs. Johnson & Johnson OR Mmes. Harman & May!!!!!

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    Was it something I did in a previous life? What have I done to deserve such torment?

    These may be the questions our readers who profess the Hindu faith may be asking as they contemplate the invidious choice this organ has set before them!

    It is because Dear long suffering Reader you are not alone when you read the reports in the newspapers of Mmes. (Natalie) Bennett, (Nicola) Sturgeon and (Leanne) Wood cackling in excited expectation like the Three Witches in Shakespeare’s Macbeth at the prospect of subjecting Unfortunate Ed to five years of greened socialist chants and incantations.

    Unlike Macbeth who accepted the advice of the Three Witches (who represent evilness, darkness, chaos, and conflict), the Labour Party apparatchiks however may not be willing to accept the dictates of Bennett, Sturgeon and Wood and may well be prepared to consider what many may consider unthinkable: a Grand Coalition with the Tories.

    It will of course depend upon the arithmetic delivered on 7th May by the British voter. It could well be however given a significant performance by UKIP and a large popular vote for the Greens, that both Labour and the Tories, although by far the largest two parties in the Commons, will both fall considerably short of the magic number of 326 seats.

    In those circumstances, a Grand Coalition will appeal to the apparatchiks – who actually run both parties. The apparatchicks will dispense with the services of two leaders, with both being led to that small ante room that contains a chair and a small table, upon which will be the traditional accoutrements (metaphorical of course!) to terminate a political career – the bottle of Lagavulin Single Malt, the Waterford crystal tumbler glass, the Basildon Bond notepad, the Montblanc fountain pen and of course the Webley Mk VI service revolver!

    The sacrificial offerings having being placed – with due solemnity – upon the altar of political accountability, the Labour and Tory apparatchiks will hammer out a coalition agreement with two new leaders.

    Remember, a lot of the divisions between Labour and the Tories appear to be deeper than they actually are. There would be a lot of pressure from the markets and the international creditors for the formation of a Grand Coalition. It would offer five years of stable government. This would ensure the country’s continued positive Credit Rating. It would please the USA and NATO. It would please the oil companies. But most of all – it would delight the UK’s true rulers – the European Commission!

    Of course, British Gazette readers will know the excoriating comments coming from Edinburgh!

    Vote Labour, get Tory! Vote Tory, get Labour! – will be the calmer reaction!

    There will be two particular consequences of this:
    1. The removal of the Royal Navy’s Trident submarines from the Clyde and their home-porting in Norfolk, Virginia, as it will be politically impossible to continue with the present arrangement.
    2. The inevitable breakup of the United Kingdom in 2020 or before.

    These consequences will of course have been considered and weighed up in the REAL corridors of power in Brussels. They will have noted the rise of UKIP and will have realised that in England, enthusiasm for the European Union is dying. They have probably have decided to cut their losses and to make do with Scotland and possibly Wales.

    Of course, such a Grand Coalition will underline with dramatic effect what Nigel Farage has been saying about the big two parties for some time now!

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