• Brexit: The perils of porkies!


    Above, a Mercedes (short wheelbase!) 600 saloon/sedan (W100).

    It was Henry Fielding in his 1732 play “The Lottery: A Farce” contained the famous lyrics:

    A Lottery is a Taxation,
    Upon all the Fools in Creation;
    And Heaven be prais’d,
    It is easily rais’d,
    Credulity’s always in Fashion:
    For, Folly’s a Fund,
    Will never lose Ground,
    While Fools are so rife in the Nation.

    Your Editor Dear Reader, does not play the lottery. However, at the regular UKIP “Sunday Lunches” we do part with £1 for a strip of raffle tickets. In order avoid being labelled a selfish skin flint! This Sunday just gone, I was fortunate enough to A. win a prize and B. for that prize to be of some good. This is because in the past my winning tickets have come near the end and the prizes left were packets of biscuits which are far to high in fat and sugar to be healthy for me! Thus apart from the regular UKIP raffle, I do not gamble.

    However, let us suppose a wild fancy!

    Let us suppose that at a future UKIP Sunday Lunch one of my five numbers “comes up”. But is the last such as only one prize remains. This prize however is not a pack of biscuits but a Euromillions lotto ticket for the forthcoming Tuesday. Let us also suppose that the Euromillions has rolled over many weeks and that the jackpot prize has reached £150 million! Let us further suppose that the draw took place and there was only one jackpot winner. Let us further suppose that I was the holder of that winning ticket! Let us further suppose that I did not succumb to a heart attack upon realisation!

    Now, Camelot (the lotto organisers) report that most lotto winners buy a new car. They also report that the most popular marque for these folk is Mercedes Benz!

    I can report that were this train of highly improbable circumstances to come about I would acquire a Mercedes (short wheelbase!) 600 saloon/sedan (W100) such as the one above!

    When He was on Earth, the Good Lord famously remarked to His disciples; “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19 v. 24)

    He might have thought that the following analogy was better, “It is easier to park a Großer Mercedes in an NCP multi storey car park”, but will have immediately dismissed such from His mind as clearly First Century Israelites would not have had any idea what He would have been referring to! Whereas camels and needles were well known objects!

    Of course, there will be those British Gazette readers who will point out that there is a greater difference in size between a camel and the eye of a needle than a Großer Merc’ and an NCP parking space. However, that would be to miss the point that the Good Lord was making.

    You see it was not just the wealth per se that was the hindrance but the level, ostentation indulged in to the direct consequence of those negatively impacted by it (the low paid workers whose poverty caused the rich man’s profits to be higher than otherwise). Essentially, the Good Lord was counselling against selfishness and self indulgence where such hurts others and quoting an extreme illustration to explain the severity of the consequences (to the rich man); and the example of the Großer Merc’ is an extreme example of selfish self indulgence!

    You see, the Großer Merc’ is a horrendously expensive car to maintain and service. When Daimler Benz engineers built the first of these behemoths in the mid 1960s they were intended to be the ultimate in passenger conveyance. They were intended to outdo the Rolls Royce Phantom and the Cadillac Fleetwood limousines in sheer opulence and sheer “in your face” braggadocio. And they succeeded! No car produced since has the sheer on the road presence of the Großer Merc’. The only vehicle that can outdo the Mercedes (short wheelbase!) 600 saloon/sedan (W100) is the Mercedes 600 Pullman (W100L) and the only vehicle that can outdo the Mercedes 600 Pullman (W100L) is the Mercedes 600 Landaulet (W100Ll)!

    These behemoths when new made the Rolls Royce Phantom appear to be a cheap car! The car one would buy if one could not afford a Großer Merc’. And this was very much the case as these German behemoths not only needed a public treasury to purchase but a public treasury to maintain them, for the cost of spares is astronomic! By comparison, Lamborghini spares appear dirt cheap!

    Notwithstanding and probably because of it, the Großer Merc’ became the transport of choice for such well loved public figures as Saddam Hussain, Chairman Mao and Pol Pot! All of whom have since doubtless discovered the consequences of ignoring the Good Lord’s teachings!

    Thus it is that the possession of a Großer Merc’ in today’s world says something about you!

    This “something” was what commended a Großer Merc’ to a pair of hard working and successful motor mechanics in the US State of Nevada a while ago!

    These two fellows – who happened to be Black Americans – had a garage/car servicing business. Both were excellent and hard working mechanics and their hard work paid off with a successful and highly profitable business for many car owners became their customers due to their expertise, fair dealing and prompt service.

    There was however one customer who was the unwitting cause of their downfall. This customer was himself a fool. This was because although a man of moderate means, he had purchased a Großer Merc’ sedan that was in an unroadworthy condition. Now of all the many and varied makes of motor cars on the planet, the one motor car any person with at least two functioning brain cells will NOT buy is an unroadworthy Großer Merc’! Unfortunately for all concerned this fool only had one functioning brain cell!

    As a result the Großer Merc’ was laid up upon purchase as the fool did not have access to the Nevada State Treasury for it’s repair and restoration! He discovered the requirement for this when appraised by our two friends of the cost of same!

    Things went wrong when our two friends decided that they would make an offer to the fool to take the car off this hands for two thirds of what he had paid for it. The fool rejected this but was overridden by his wife! Consequently our two friends became the proud owners of a broken down Großer Merc’! Our two friends thereupon set about a full repair and restoration of their newly acquired car. That they achieved this feat after six years was due to the following: they were extremely skilled able mechanics, paint sprayers and upholsterers – for they did the work themselves in their own time. Rather than replace most of the parts that needed replacing, they repaired same. The result of six years hard work was a gleaming black roadworthy Großer Merc’ in showroom condition!

    Now, such individuals as our friends are known as classic car enthusiasts and their chief means of enjoying their pride and joy is to take it to classic car shows and to enter it into competitions. Our friends however did not do this. Instead they chose a course that led to disaster!

    This was because of the particular state they were in. The state of Nevada. Their business was on the outskirts of the city of Las Vegas. Now Las Vegas has a particular claim to fame – other than being the gambling and entertainment capital of the US of A that is! This claim is the number of beautiful young women per say 1,000 head of the female population of that city. This is real and can be validated by a trip there. It’s cause is no freak accident of genetics or migration. It is because of Hollywood. You see, thousands of beautiful young woman across the USA seek their fortune in Hollywood. Only a few can succeed and many of those who do not end up in Las Vegas hoping to be spotted. This means that one can go to what is known as a drive through restaurant – which our American cousins stupidly persist in misspelling as “drive-thru” – and be served by the most beautiful counter girl you’ve seen in a very long while.

    Now as “locals” our two friends were of course well aware of this!

    They had embarked on a strategy to take advantage of this and the ethnicity of our two friends were central to this. Also central to the success of their venture was the extreme insularity and ignorance of the world outside the borders of the USA of the average American.

    Our two friends would pretend to be a King of an African country and that King’s chauffeur. As a result, our friend who was playing the role of “King” would dress in what were said to be kingly African robes and the chauffeur would dress in a chauffeur’s uniform. The two would book into the “Presidential suite” of a Las Vegas hotel – paying cash – and the two would enter the hotel lobby with one styling himself King “something” of “somewhere” and the chauffeur being suitably deferential in bowing and using the phrase “Your Majesty”.

    This strategy they found had the desired effect they were hoping for! This was to produce an electric effect amongst some of the beautiful young women who were working as waitresses and counter staff! The result of course was the our friend who was adopting the role of “King”, received the charming attentions of a young lady overnight! They chauffeur who was in a budget room elsewhere in the hotel did not!

    Now, had our two friends had decided to maintain this arrangement unaltered – that is to say, the one who adopted the role of “King” and the one who adopted the role of chauffeur did not swap roles – it’s is possible that they would not have been found out. But clearly both these young men wanted to take equal advantage of their strategy! Thus they took it in turn and turn about to be “King” and chauffeur! This of course meant two sets of kingly robes and two sets of chauffeur uniforms as they were of noticeably different sizes.

    You see, their downfall was brought about by visiting the same hotels – albeit several months apart – but not so long as not to jog the memories of the young ladies as to who was “His Majesty” and who was the uniformed driver.

    This led to their arrest for rape for several young women, having discovered that they had given their charms to a local motor mechanic and not an African king, decided that they had been raped.

    Both men pleaded guilty in a “plea bargain” in order to avoid spending decades in an austere US jail! Both men spent half a dozen years behind bars however and the Großer Merc’ and their formerly flourishing business had to be sold to pay the compensation claims of their “victims”.

    Both our friends emerged from prison older, wiser and poorer men.

    For Brexiteers, the moral of this sad tale is this: that something achieved through lies cannot last when those lies are discovered.

    Madame Mayhem’s latest idea cannot work any more than a pig can fly. It is doomed to fail. The FACT is that the ONLY Brexit strategy that can work is Flexcit (http://www.eureferendum.com/documents/flexcit.pdf) authored by Dr. North and others. Furthermore, had the Leave campaign had adopted Flexcit as the Brexit strategy during the referendum, the chances are they would have lost and the Remain side would have won.

    In winning the referendum by advocating a “Shangri-La Brexit” it is inevitable that the voters will be disappointed as a “Shangri-La Brexit” cannot be delivered!

    Put it another cruder way: Your Editor and most male British Gazette readers do not resemble either Mr Aidan Turner or Mr George Clooney and thus do not set ladies hearts a flutter. However, were we – with the appropriate accoutrements – able to convince a beautiful but gullible young lady that we were a leading world statesman, there would be a good chance that she would share the bed in the “Presidential suite” of the hotel we had booked into. However, what is also the case, is that were the young lady in question to discover she had been deceived, we would end up behind bars.